GM Good, Bengals Bad

Mike Brown reminds me of all the young drug addicts' parents you see on A&E's Intervention. While they generally have good intentions and thought they knew what they were doing when raising those in their care, the end result falls fall short of expectations. No matter how much faith or money the parents have, their daughter still strips to support her drug habit or pukes in the closet and stores the bags of vomit in there. What that show — and reading about the Bengals every day — makes me realize is that it's possible to not do anything to change a situation that desperately needs change.

Even if it’s really obvious that things are going poorly, with no change of course in sight, this is America and unless you get imprisoned you can basically ride the lightning bolt into the ground. You can do nothing right, or refuse to do anything to change things. That's your right — especially if you own an NFL team.

Having a General Manager is a great idea if you own a company or sports team but don't really know how to work the goddamn thing. That way you can ride in open covertibles like a president and be showered with confetti as your championship winning team parades through downtown.

Instead, the 2008 NFL season's kickoff nears and even the most blindly-positive Bengals fans I know don't expect very much of the team. It's just not likely to happen. Another year begins and the Bengals (much like the Reds) have a horribly unbalanced roster. Overstocked in some areas, horribly thin at others. It's a great recipe for not having to do all that extra work of printing up playoff tickets and sending them out to your fans. Lord knows that postal system is a maze of confusion.

My idea is simple — send a few first day draft picks up the interstate to Detroit, and bring in their interventionist to help Mike Brown learn even more about losing. The man I'd suggest for this important event looks a bit like a real-life interventionist: none other than mister architect and talent evaluator, Matt Millen.

His track record at losing is of the same pedigree as Brown's. This is a rarity indeed. Millen could further mismanage the helm here in Cincinnati, and then at least losing every year could be exciting somehow.

You understand why Carl Pickens, Corey Dillon and Chad Johnson have had such rocky relationships with team management during their careers. They know they do not play for a team willing to do the extraordinary things it takes to win.

The Bengals could dump their roster and rebuild with Akili Smith and Scott Mitchell. "Big Daddy" Wilkinson could  be resigned. That way you could have a terrible defensive player from yesteryear watch opposing running backs run by, just like the good 'ol days.

I hope Rudi Johnson lands in Cleveland and rushes for 130 yards a game against the Bengals.
I will be most surprised if Chris Perry doesn't break down at some point during the year. Only in the NFL can a guy have the two most productive seasons at his position in team history by the age of 28 but then be cast away as if he was an undrafted player getting cut from his first training camp.

If Millen and Brown could share their powers responsibly, perhaps it would help even the most casual Bengals fans realize that the team they root for so loyally has no intentions of doing what it takes to play in the postseason rather than watch it.

— Isaac Thorn

Photo: Jon Kitna looking at pictures while Akili Smith thinks about his future in the Canadian Football League.

Isaac Thorn is a local writer who enjoys sports, politics, rap music and pizza. His thoughts regarding current sporting events will appear here every Monday.

Comments

[JAKE]

DELIGHTFULLY INTROSPECTIVE AND TRUE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNIQUE POINT OF VIEW ON THE EVER INTRIGUING BUNGALS.