Today on Divorce Court, there was a man divorcing his wife because he said she interfered with his Rap career. But this Hip Hop hopeful was 47, with a career that seemed like it never took flight; actually, the plane never rolled out onto the runway.
Dude wasn't the worse rapper I've ever heard, but he still should let the dream fade a little. The first problem was his old-ass Rap moniker. It was something extremely cheeseball like Dangerous Dave or Devastating Dave. Either of those adjectives make him sound like a crypt-keeper, not a legend or a veteran — which, strangely, is how he saw himself.
So in lieu of watching that trainwreck, I was inspired to compile a list of ways to know if you're that aging wannabe artist who should leave it alone.
1. You still spell out your name by using ridiculous adjectives that make you sound like either an epic war hero or Mad Max, beyond the Thunderdome. Nobody says shit like, "I'm devastating," anymore because it's corny. Ask yourself, can your bars really do the following to anyone, any place or anything: 1. To bring to ruin. 2. To reduce to chaos or helplessness. (According to Webster)
2. Your friends compare your style to people who recorded hits before your grown children were born. And your grandchildren have never heard of any of these people. They think you made them up because to them, their names sound funny.
3. You have grown children and still never got past the church basement talent show circuit, and you've been at this since 1980.
4. Your jewelry consists of a four-finger name ring and an earring with a charm on it that makes you look like the FIRST bass player for Shalamar, not the dude who spits (HOT FIYAH SON) Ah, it burns!
5. After every verse, you accent it with, "A-huh, huh, huh!" like you just dropped some lines we all should take to the lab to dissect.
6. Your wife tells you that you suck.
7. You don't have any instrumentals, you rap to a roomful of handclaps.
8. You don't write rap verses in blocks of 16 bars, you write one verse that's five minutes
long with no hook, except for the theme of how devastating your style is.
9. Your rap name has an initial and an adjective. Why not just open up all the doors and windows to cap fodder? Kelly Bundy used to let Bud have it for naming himself "Grandmaster B," and she renamed him "Bedwetter B." Now who wants to hear you rhyme after they've been rollin' on the ground laughing at how wack your name is?
10. You still write diss raps that are supposed to light up these "suckers": L.L, Kool Moe Dee, Kurtis Blow or Kangol from UTFO, like it really matters now. Let it go.
(photo of the greatest elderly MC of all-time: community.foxsports.com/blogs/Carnac)
— Mildred Fallen
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