Porkopolis

Words of the Unwise

Sometimes I want to be able to make up some seriously outrageous stuff and publish it, just to see what the reaction is. Ethically, that isn't an option, but that doesn't mean I can't point you in the direction of some seriously hysterical stuff written by others that's all truth.

The following are from a collection of hideously bad analogies that were originally published in The Washington Post in 1999. Some things are simply worth repeating!

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

CNN Analyst Comes to Town

A prominent former adviser to several U.S. presidents who is now also CNN's senior political analyst will visit Cincinnati next week to deliver the commencement address for the Union Institute & University.

David Gergen, who works for CNN and is editor-at-large at U.S. News & World Report, will give his speech Sept. 27 at the Hilton Netherland in downtown Cincinnati. Union Institute also will present Gergen an honorary Doctorate in Letters for "his work as a leader who puts country before politics," campus officials said.

Fear of a Black Planet

In light of Sen. John McCain's badly managed presidential campaign and series of outlandish statements, along with general anti-Republican sentiment among the electorate, some prominent Democrats and media pundits are now saying the only reason many polls show McCain essentially tied with Barack Obama is due to the latter's ethnicity.

Gee, ya think?

Workers Around Cincinnati, Unite

And now for something completely different.

Area socialists will hold a public forum next month at the University of Cincinnati to discuss alternate solutions to pressing societal problems. The forum, entitled "A Case for Socialism," will be held at 7 p.m. on Oct. 2 in Room 519 at Swift Hall.

The free event is sponsored by the International Socialist Organization (ISO), which describes itself as a group that promotes debate about how society can be organized based on human need instead of corporate greed.

Keynote speaker at the forum will be Steve Succop, a UC political science graduate and a five-year ISO member. A discussion will occur following Succop's lecture, which will include a question-and-answer session.

For more information, contact Nancy Paraskevopoulos at 513-225-4939 or via e-mail at nancy.paras@gmail.com.

— Kevin Osborne

ACLU's Top Ten List

While campaigning for the presidency in 1988, the elder George Bush famously chided his Democratic rival, Michael Dukakis, for once proclaiming, "I'm a card-carrying member of the ACLU."

During a presidential debate, Bush expounded on his criticism, adding, "That was what he said. He is out there on out of the mainstream." (Yes, it's not just the son who mangles the English language.)

Dukakis was too tepid to respond forcefully enough. That was left to the fictional character, Andrew Shepherd, in the 1995 film, The American President.

"For the record: Yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU," Shepherd said, responding to criticism from his opponent, Sen. Bob Rumson. "But the more important question is why aren't you, Bob? Now, this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so it naturally begs the question: Why would a senator, his party's most powerful spokesman and a candidate for President, choose to reject upholding the Constitution?"

The Next Big Lie

Sen. John McCain's seeming disregard for credibility and integrity in his zealous bid to win the Oval Office at any cost has sunk to a new low, with his presidential campaign caught telling yet another mistruth.

No, we're not referring to the McCain campaign's claim that his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, has visited the troops in Iraq when she hasn't.

Or Palin's attempt to whitewash her record on the infamous $223 million "bridge to nowhere" project, which she supported before she opposed it.

Enquirer's Top Editor Leaves

After nearly 4½ years as The Cincinnati Enquirer's managing editor, Hollis Towns is leaving the newspaper for a job in New Jersey.

Enquirer employees learned today that Towns has accepted a position at the Asbury Park Press. Amid cost cutting at Gannett-owned newspapers nationwide, Towns' position at The Enquirer won't be replaced, sources said.

The Day After

As work crews today continue cleaning Greater Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky's streets of fallen trees, downed power lines and other debris left from Sunday's unexpected windstorm, more than 513,000 homes in the region remain without electricity.

Falling trees killed at least three people during the storm, in which gusts reached up to 75 mph.

Of course, if you're reading this, you're probably lucky enough to have power unless you're accessing the Internet at the public library, coffee shop or other location. But here's a list of telephone numbers and other information to keep handy in case you, your family or friends need any assistance.

Another Bad Week for Cintas

Cintas Corp. was hit with a double-whammy this week as federal workplace safety regulators issued another citation against the firm, while the company's final appeal in a California case was rejected — a decision that will cost Cintas nearly $2 million.

A citation from the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) was made public this week that states workers at a Cintas facility in a Chicago suburb regularly faced hazards that created a "substantial probability (of) death or serious injury."

Cintas failed to develop and use life-saving "lockout" procedures to protect workers from machinery at its Bedford Park industrial laundry, according to the citation. Workers there filed a complaint about dangerous equipment in March.

Spend a Weekend Outside

Walk among wildflowers, learn to fly fish or tackle a rock climbing wall, and do it all for free. The 2008 Great Outdoor Weekend is coming up Sept. 27–28.

"During the Great Outdoor Weekend, local organizations give you the chance to get out and experience Greater Cincinnati’s outdoor activities -- for free," says a press release about the event. "The Tristate’s finest outdoor education organizations offer programs at venues across the region. For five years running, the Great Outdoor Weekend has encouraged respect of natural places through public education. Program locations and times vary to encourage guests to visit several locations to sample the variety of local outdoor venues."

Here are just a few examples:

Bubble-ology: Learn the science of bubbles with hands-on, eco-friendly experiments.

Therapy Pets: No, it’s not Freud for Dogs but an opportunity to learn how to train you pooch. (Fido isn't invited, just humans this time.)